When you feel all alone

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got an amazing bunch of friends who have been my absolute saviours over the past few months. They’ve been my family, people I can turn to for fun, to cry to or for advice. But you can still feel extremely alone. And you can’t live your life literally constantly surrounded by friends and distractions. These are amazing ways to get through the bad times but when you do find yourself actually alone, you’ll come crashing down.

A lot of the time, I wish I had someone that would cuddle me in bed at night and tell me it’s going to be ok…but I don’t. When you hope for something like that and it just doesn’t happen it can be easy to have a good hard look at yourself and say, what’s wrong with me? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not skinny enough? Am I a boring person or a wet blanket? Have I got too much baggage? Believe me, I’ve done this more times than I can count. It hurts like hell. What I’ve come to the realisation though lately, is that I need to be that person for myself, because I can’t bank on fate intervening and everything turning out in the end. The world is cruel and unfortunately it doesn’t necessarily work like that.

Sometimes you need to step back and tell yourself that it’s going to be ok and accept that you can only rely on yourself to make you feel better. While I’m all for tough love when it comes to looking at yourself, if you’re in a bad place you should be able to give yourself a pat on the back for just getting through the day, let alone getting things done and proactively doing something to help yourself and others. Easier said than done – I know from personal experience! But the more you keep telling yourself this and trying, the easier it becomes. I hope to be able to get to that stage where I naturally think like that, without double guessing or giving it a second thought.

I guess what I’m ultimately trying to say here is that you need to try to be ok with being alone. Embrace it even – the peace, the silence, being able to do exactly what you want to do.

Til soon, Em

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One Comment Add yours

  1. Genevieve Braem says:

    Dear Emily,

    I would like to cuddle and take you in my arms when I was reading your blog.
    If I could help you right now I would be there.
    Just sharing my own journey with you and the big milestones that helped me might give you some references.
    You might not know but I left my job at Bunnik following an anxiety crisis in March 2015 followed by a double pulmonary embolism where my husband left me alone in ressuscitation room pretending he had to feed the kids (18 and 15) and that there was a nice tv program that day. My tv program was 6 doctors and nurses saving my life. You have to know that as migrants from Belgium in 2003 we haven’t got any family here. And after I left hospital and started again working he left to work in Townsville (even he didn’t work for 5 years). I got indeed a PTSD after the embolism which was random. But when he left I started a severe depression with suicidal ideation. He refused to come back to take care of the kids The doctor threatened him of desertion of sick wife and family in June and put me in respite house for 2 weeks and then 1 month in psy ward.
    You have to know that I lost my biological Mum from suicide when I was 3 years of age, Dad has never spoken about her but for me it was a huge lack, not knowing where I come from. They were other traumas in my youth life.
    Anyway after psy ward and several return to short stays at Flinders at risk of harming myself, I requested his return to Adelaide.He did come back but it was worst, he ongoingly put me down as he used to do during our 20 years of mariage and I finally understood that our arrival in Australia was a fiscal escape from Belgium.

    Anyway here I just want to tell you that I’m on the other side of the bridge. I left domestic violence in a very delicate medical situation and in severe depression with suicidal ideation. My life was not dark but very very dark and I couldn’t see any solution. I was under his control and I was at the same time responsible of two teenagers (my daughter was just 16 and my son, even he was just 18 was still in year 12).
    In the darkest moment, when I finally which monster I had married, I had to take a decision… not for the kids but for me. If Mum was meant to be better then the children would follow.

    Now I’m stopping with the story, I guess you want to know how did you do that.
    First of all you have to think that life is not a destination but a journey and that what looks stable now is going to change. That means as well that what looks dark, impossible to reach now, everything is meant to change. Dark can become bright.
    Secondly you have to realise that the only person who can help you is yourself. You cannot change anyone but yourself. It’s there that you have to discover your own strength, that I’m convinced you’ve got in enormous quantity. you have already shown that. I’m sure that you can dig deeper into your ownself and find the courage to stay not only afloat but be able to achieve miracles.

    Now about the real things that have help me :

    – I was very much helped by naturopathy. At the beginning of my descent to hell, Bunnik suggested me to go to Junotherapy (on the first floor). Ursula, the owner of Junotherapy, helped me to find my colours. For me it’s yellow and orange. It has been magic for me. There was a day where I was litterally unable to walk forward on Victoria Square. Focusing on the yellow tram has pushed me from Victoria Square to Glenelg close where I lived.
    You can go to Juno therapy on 1st floor of Bunnik building and refer to Ursula on my behalf. She’s not fantastic, she’s magic. You have to know that she has worked for several years at Lifeline and she’s very very skilled. On top of her skills she’s enough humble to tell you where she’s not able to help you and she can refer you to other people
    – I practise DAILY meditation, you can join a meetup meditation club. Google MEETUP on internet, choose your area and join the system of meetup, created after the Sept 11 attacks so that people would be able to continue to gather instead of staying at home. You can choose for different activities, different interests, differents liking. I join one every Sunday evening at Brighton jetty. Have a look from your side I’m sure that you will be able to find something your side.
    Daily meditation helps you as well to take a big breath but as well to allow yourself some time alone, not alone in the bad meaning but alone with your ownself. Try to listen not only to you but mostly to your innerself. It’s there that you can feel your own strength.
    – I practise again lots of exercises, swimming, cycling (as I used to do before the embolism)

    Now I would like to speak about the fact that you’re still alone. You know what I think : You haven’t yet met the guy who deserve you. You haven’t yet met the twin-soul which will be able to respect you as Emily, which will be able to respect your strengths. Myself I married at 30, got my 2 children at 32 and nearly 35. But have you seen what has happened. It was an abusive relationship from the beginning till the ordeal/turmoil end.
    I really reckon that it’s better for you to preserve yourself for the time being. Don’t forget that they are eagles and other pervert narcissists in the world who only wait for people who are not weak (I hate this word) but in difficulties or who are struggling with life to take advantage of you. People who indeed will cuddle you now, who will charm you now but who are pure cowards since they have two faces. It might be someone who thinks that because your parents are unwell you might have an inheritance coming or worst ideas. Please, Emily, be careful.

    Right now I’m still alone as well. Indeed I have to grieve my past relationship but you know what : I’m enjoying life like that right now.
    Do not think about what the others might think : Oh, Emily isn’t in a relationship. Well, Emily, it’s better to be alone than being in a bad or abusive relationship. I’m convinced that you will find the right soul when time will come.

    For the time being, even I completely agree and understand that you might feel overwhelmed quite often, I would like to offer you my support and if you want to speak with me, do not hesitate to tell me and I can send you my details so that you can call me anytime. Be sure I will not let you go down. You are a fantastic lady, you have expressed your vulnerability and I know it’s not easy at all. You have push your hand out of the water to ask for help and I’m telling you : I’m here.

    Just tell me if you want my details, I will send you immediately privately.

    Right now I’m sending you big hugs and an enormous dose of courage.

    YES YOU CAN dear Emily

    Big hug

    Genevieve

    Like

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