I’ve spent the past few months being constantly on the go. As well as a To-Do list a mile long to get through, I’ve been trying to stay as distracted as possible…going away, seeing friends, doing housework and basically throwing myself into everything (even starting this blog was one of them), because I’m so scared of what’s going to happen when I finally stop and am alone with my thoughts.
I’m not going to lie, I’m one of those people who hates uncertainty and craves an element of control in their life. Uncertainty is the main cause of anxiety for me and when it takes over I spin myself into a very big hole. So I guess I’ve been trying to maintain an element of control in my life by being meticulously on top of things at work and at home. I feel a little selfish in saying this but by having these things in control (even though they need to be done away), I feel a little better.
What I did need to learn though, was to let myself be alone with my thoughts and let out a little sadness. I’ll liken myself to a champagne bottle that’s been rolling around in the car… If you take it out of the car pretty soon, you’re going to open it and it’s going to be a little messy. But if you leave it in the boot for months, drive crazily around corners and add a little overheating or overcooling and then try to open it…hello explosion!
Now I’ve always known this deep in the back of my mind, but when you’ve got so much on your plate and you’re trying to be the responsible one in the situation, it’s all too easy to push it down and leave it for another day. I’ve already sometimes felt it building up inside me, and when you’re feeling a little vulnerable you become overwhelmed and it all comes out and that’s when you really feel like you’re drowning – not a great feeling.
So lately if I’ve been feeling a bit down at the end of the day, when I’ve finished a day at work and have done all the things that need to be done, I’ll let myself sit down (more often than not with some wine) and really take in my situation and think about what life is likely going to be like, loveless and parentless, in the near future. Sometimes that’s all it takes, but if I need a little more, I’ll put on a sad movie or a sad playlist and let myself cry and wallow in my sadness for a bit.
Ok wow, that sounds realllllly depressing! But I’ve learnt that it’s so healthy and that you need to do it sometimes, it’s almost a bit of a stress relief. Grief is a natural part of life and everyone needs to go through it at some point. If a good thing ends, regardless of whether it’s a death of a person, some kind of relationship or even a place you’ve been, you need to grieve the loss. It’s ok to be sad! and if someone tells you to cheer up, you can tell them to fuck right off.
Now having said all of this, it’s also ok to be happy too. But more on that in my next post.
Til soon, Em